Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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