there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
