Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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