On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
