Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
