It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
