Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
