I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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