sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Randomize
