you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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