it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
