How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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