I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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