Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
