i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
