Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
They took my balls.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
