I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We left the knife in your bed.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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