Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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