I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
