Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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