My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
