i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
