No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
