every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
