That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
