and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
