She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
