I met the friendliest cop last night
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
