just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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