So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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