The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
