I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You took a bar mat shot.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
