We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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