He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
