i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
