A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
