Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
