I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
