Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
