I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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