My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
