Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
