im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
