he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
we're making bets on your personal life
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
