apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
