John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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