I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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