can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
