I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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