just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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