I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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