my phone needs a breathalizer
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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