Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I cannot find my penis.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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