She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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