yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
