uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
