Whatcha textin bout Willis?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
