Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Randomize
