My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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