I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
well you can't waste a boner
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
