I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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