Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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