Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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