There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
