Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
