I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
