This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
