A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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